You know, sometimes you just can’t tell the difference between reality and the Babylon Bee. So I think I’ll take a swing at some creative writing.
Dateline: Washington DC
As Joe Biden’s handlers sorrowfully regarded his plummeting poll numbers they considered their options. In the next room they could hear Kamala cackling as she considered her next trip to the border via New Orleans for some gumbo. A shiver ran through the room as they realized their limited options. Joe sat next to the fireplace with his pants leg pulled up showing his minder for the hour his hairy legs and asked his female secret service agent if she wouldn’t come a little closer. She vehemently shook her head no and said “You’re fine where you are, as am I”. He asked if there were some little girls with barrettes in their hair coming later to visit, the agent looked pained and replied “NO”! She looked pointedly at the agent next to her covering a grin and said “When is Jill supposed to be back”? The agent tried manfully to cover a chuckle and said “She’ll be back from getting her legs waxed in a couple of hours. She didn’t want a repeat of that no hose, visible band-aid on the leg thing like when they were photographed with the queen”.
“There’s GOT to be something” whimpered Susan Rice, maybe we should call Barry?
“Nope, no need” chimed in Fredo Cuomo “I know the perfect issue! It’s always a winner with all the American people!” Everyone looked hopefully at Cuomo. “GUN CONTROL” He crowed triumphantly! “Remember how popular Eric Swalwell and Bozo O’Rourk were with the American people? Why when Duke Nukem threatened to use nuclear weapons on American citizens everyone all across America just fell in love with him! Everyone in the newsroom loved him! All my friends thought he was a shoe in! I don’t know anyone that didn’t think he had a perfectly reasonable idea. Oh I heard some of those mouth-breathers in flyover made some noise, but who cares about them. They are a tiny minority! I mean look at it, the guy was sleeping with a Chinese spy and he’s still on the intelligence committee. If that doesn’t show how highly he’s regarded, what could? Then Bozo was so manly when he flat out told people he was going to take their AK-47s and AR-15s.” I think we could use that to show how in control Joe is. That would show people he really knows how to wield power, who care if they find out we cheated in Maricopa, and Georgia, and Pennsylvania, and Minnesota, and Wisconsin, and Nevada and” Susan Rice broke in “We know Fredo, we all know”. Well sniffed Fredo offendedly, “I’m telling you the only reason Eric didn’t win the nomination was his huge percentage started shriveling when that mean old Bear at The Zelman Partisans started writing about him. Everyone loved him!”
Kamala who had snuck unseen into the room chimed in “Gun control? Don’t you think the media might start to raise questions about Hunter and his gun?” Fredo glared witheringly at her and said “Of course not! What is the matter with you?” Kamala cackled nervously and shot back, “Well, it’s a real issue and a real problem! He probably can’t keep this up much longer” Fredo looked at her in astonishment and said “Of course he can! We’ve got his back”. Susan looked patronizingly at Kamala and said “Are you planning on visiting Disney World on your way to visit the border via New Orleans Kamala dear?” Kamala got her deer in headlights look, cackled “FLORIDA?? You mean go into De Santis territory? No, I think I’ll go to Virginia and look for root causes of ….something, I’ll think of something” and slunk out of the room.
Susan and Fredo mulled over the gun control angle. “Well, Joe is making a name for himself, look at the fabulous guy he pretended he nominated for the head of the ATF. All the senators are so impressed with him, they all love him!” Susan mused. And with the good help you guys have given him Fredo, Americans now see how deadly those assault rifles are.
Sadly for Chipman and the Communists, Americans aren’t stupid, or unskilled. So, the BATFE didn’t give Chipman a automatic weapon? Interesting.
And so a speech was whipped up for Joe while he took a long nap. He was then trotted out for the cameras and promised a nice ice cream cone if he did a good job.
As normal sane Americans listened to this, they wondered if perhaps Eric Swalwell had taken a break from sharing National security secrets with spies from enemy countries to take up speech writing for Beijing Xiden.
Predictably news outlets more reliable than the NY Slimes (which would include this column) immediately came out with notices of sales and family shopping trips to their local armory and airfield.
Palpatine was also dismissive of the idea that people need blasters in case they have to overthrow the Empire if it turns tyrannical. “It’s just a ridiculous idea that a rebellion armed with blasters could do anything about us,” he said. “You’d need your own armored, planet-destroying superweapon to match the strength of our Death Star. Even if you had X-Wings, what could they do but scratch its surface? Abandon all hope to rise against us! Abandon!”
Bass Pro Shops Announces 2-for-1 Sale On All Nuclear Missiles
In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company’s arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.
Biden Makes Compelling Argument In Favor Of Second Amendment
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech yesterday, President Joe Biden made a compelling and powerful argument in defense of the Second Amendment. The president ranted on and on about how if people were to rebel against his iron-fisted rule, he would nuke them and send F-15 fighter jets to attack them in their homes. These statements alone were enough to convince millions of Americans the Second Amendment is still desperately needed to protect their natural right to defend themselves.
Huge Spike In Americans Buying F-15s After Biden Suggests You’ll Need Them To Overthrow Government
The nation scrambled to buy F-15s and nuclear weapons after President Biden said in a speech Wednesday that you’ll never beat a government unless you have the fighter jets and intercontinental ballistic missiles.
All over the nation, American citizens were seen parking their brand-new F-15s in their driveways and garages. Some wealthier Americans purchased the F-22, while less fortunate citizens were forced to buy the F-35 joint fighter. But no matter what craft they chose, American citizens said they were just glad to finally be protected against a tyrannical government.
Personally, I have a email in to Israel to see about a home version of the Iron Dome. I knew I should have bought that Centurion tank when I had the chance!
At this point Nancy Pelosi tottered in on her high heels, “Don’t you mess with my commission!” She screeched. Susan Rice glared at her and said “OUT! Do you want me to call AOC?” The painted on color drained out of Pelosi’s face and she wheeled about and tottered back out of the room without a word, repeatable.
As the cabal congratulated themselves on having undoubtedly pumped up Joe’s poll numbers, they also savored the fact they had threatened him sufficiently to pretty much stay on topic.
Joe, you already are in trouble with the American people. With or without your mask, we see you and your cronies for what you are.
