This is a guest contribution from one of our TZP Facebook followers, Erik Johnson, who is also a friend and darn fine Viking.

It was all over the news. The radio reporter read how the United States had finally come to its senses; the time for knife control had arrived. London Mayor Sadiq Khan gave a speech to a joint session of congress repeating his words of great wisdom “No one needs to carry a knife!” Former comedians touted on their late night shows the fact that you don’t need a 10” meat cleaver to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Moms who don’t get action President Whannon Satts declared “No child should ever have to walk into a kitchen and see a weapon.” Nancy Pelosi proposed legislation banning high capacity assault knives with features similar to knives used by the military such as pliers and screwdrivers and those plastic tooth pickey thingies. Chuck Todd on Face the Nation held up a knife made by the Victorinox Corporation and asked “Who would ever need such a thing? It is clearly made for the army.” Joe Biden pointed out in a speech given to students at Berkley that in America more people are killed every year by knives than with AR-15s. Then his handlers tackled him to the ground and promptly shoved a sock in his mouth. A child who attended a school where a knife attack occurred, although he was truant on that day, Jesse Pig, waxed poetically on The View, “Our f—–g parents don’t f—–g know how f—–g to use a f—–g knife!”, then spit out the tide pod he was choking on. Of course the usual suspects gave the typical straw man arguments. National Rapier Association President Wayne LaThereThere called a press conference to ask, “How the hell are we supposed to cut a steak or even butter toast? Really people this is nuts!” Former President Obama was first to respond to the NRA’s claims saying, “Now let me be clear. No one needs a cut steak”, as a member of his secret service detail portioned a $2000 piece of kobe beef for him which he had pilfered from the White House kitchen prior to leaving office. Then my alarm went off. I looked at the pen knife I laid on the nightstand just before going to bed. “No”, I said to it, “This country will never become so insane we will try to ban knives.” The clock radio wailed as loud as it possibly could. The radio reporter read how the United States had finally come to its senses…..