Consider if you will

-annoying rap ringtone-

“Yeah? Mikie here. Oh, Lemonjello.* Yeah, I know, but I ain’t got the money. I know, I know; I said I’d pay it back last month, but, sh*t bro, you know how it goes… No, don’t tell Sharisse; she’d kill me. F*** it, man, I gots some cash coming next month. Leave me ‘lone till then.”

-puts multi-hundred dollar phone away-

“F*****g a**hole. I’ll pay his a** back.”

-pulls phone out again-

“Crimestoppers Hotline.”

“Yeah, I know this who’s gonna rob a bank. His name’s…”

“Sir, is this a crime that has already occurred?”

“Well, naw. But he’s gonna rob it.”

“Sir, I’ll forward you to the Detectives division.”

-click- -obnoxious elevator music-

“Investigations. Sgt. Holloway.”

“Yo, man. I know a dude what’s gonna rob a bank.”

“Really? And you know this how?”

“Like, he’s talking ’bout needin’ cash, and he got this gun… His name’s Lemonjello Sm…”

“What bank do you believe he’s targeting?”

“Umm… Well, he gots an account at the Second First National on Highland.”

“He’s going to rob his own bank?”

“Sure; he know where that one is.”

“He told you about his plans?”

“Naw, but you just know…”

“Right. Tell me about this gun he has. What type, where he got it.”

“I ain’t seen it. But he said he bought something for protection at Falcon Tactical Guns a while back.”

“He bought this at a gun store?”


“So we have a guy with a lawfully owned firearm, who hasn’t said anything about robbing anything, but you just know. Has he robbed anything else? Muggings, assault, anything else?”

“No, but…”

“Let me guess. You owe him money, and you’re trying to get out of paying. We see that all the time.”

“Wait! Maybe he’s gonna…”


“Well, shit.”

-punches numbers again-

“Red Flag Hotline. Who is in danger from whom?”

“Yo, Lemonjello Smith done got a gun, and he’s gonna hurt somebody. And… and… Yeah! He’s real depressed-like and gonna kill hisself when he done.”

“Thank you for the warning, sir. We’ll get right on it. Please spell the poor man’s name.”

“L-e-m-o-n-j-e-l-l-o S-m-i-t-h.”

“Lemon Jello?”

“Yeah, his momma love the stuff. And you should see his sister Deserta.”

“Lemon Jello and Deserta?”

“Yeah, ain’t none of them right in the haid, if ya know what I mean. And he gots a gun.”

“Yes, this sounds very serious, sir. Let me get the rest of the information, and we’ll get a protection order to take his gun right away.”

“Cool! Thanks be to Jesus for red flag orders, huh?”

“Yes, sir.”

* Pronounced leh MAHN jeh LOW.

Carl is an unpaid TZP volunteer. If you found this post useful, please consider dropping something in his tip jar. He could use the money, what with truck repairs and recurring bills.



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