Imaginary Stuff

The Zelman Partisans have a page, A Gun Culture Primer, originally meant as a guide for newcomers to firearms, but especially gun-controlling idiots so they would have some clue what they are talking about. I often point “reporters” to it when I’m trying to explain why they’re wrong about… pretty much everything gun-related.

As you can guess, it doesn’t get many visitors.

While it covers such things as the Constitution, laws, judicial precedent, firearms technology, terminology and notable people and groups both pro- and anti-gun, possibly my favorite section is “Imaginary Stuff.” Think “shoulder thing that goes up.”

You may have missed a few of the more recent innovations um… inventions uh… misconceptions hell… schizophrenic delusions, so I thought I’d share that with you.

I figure TZP readers need a laugh about now.

Every one of these has actually been reported in the news.

  • 30 Caliber Clip: We really don’t know. Neither does CA state Senator Kevin De Leon.
  • 30-magazine round: For as much as Malloy talks, you’d think he could say it right.
  • Automatic Magazine: Would that be full-auto, or semi-auto?
  • Automatic Rounds: According to CBS these are apparently cartridges that turn any gun into a machine gun. In the real world of physics these don’t exist.
  • Body-piercing rounds: Either these idiots have found remote-installation nipple piercing rounds (“Do you want dumbbells or rings?”) or simple idiocy. Pretty much any bullet fired from a firearm is “body-piercing.” Context suggests reporters Ricardo Torres-Cortez and Emma Cauthorn simply haven’t read the charges… or any other report about Haig, who is accused of manufacturing and selling armor piercing ammunition.
  • Bullet-piercing bullets: We think GA Rep. Mary Margaret Oliver had been watching too much Robin Hood.
  • Carnage-enhancing pistol grips: According to Rep. Eric Swalwell [D-CA], rifles are “more powerful and cause more carnage when used with a pistol-grip.”
  • Deadly Assault Funnel: “a shotgun is like a backwards funnel, you don’t have to have direct aim to hurt a lot of people.” Umm… No. Just… no. Apparently physics isn’t taught in journalism school. Or a prerequisite. At office range, 12 gauge 00 buck from a cylinder bore (i.e.- max spread) will have a baseball or softball-sized pattern. You have to aim. That’s why shotguns have sights.
  • Double-Single Action 1911: Invented by The University Daily Kansan, this photoshopped monstrosity includes an extra double action trigger because it’s “more dramatic” that way, and propels complete 9mm cartridges.
  • Full semiautomatic: Invented for CNN by retired (presumbably forceably retired, for mental health reasons) Army general Hertling. Either Hertling and CNN are idiots, or they wanted folks to hear “full automatic” and mistakenly think ARs are machineguns. Or both. There is no such thing as “full semiautomatic;” a firearm can be semiautomatic, as are AR-15s, or full automatic (machineguns; highly regulated and taxed, and impossible for honest civilans to purchase new). Assault rifles are select-fire, meaning they have semiautomatic and automatic modes, but no “full semiauto” (and are machineguns; see above re:regulated).
  • Ghost Gun: Compliments of California’s De Leon, inventor of the Caliber Clip(tm), it is either a nonexistent gun made entirely of plastic, a homemade non-serialized gun, or a factory stock gun whose serial number has been obliterated. We suspect the variant depends on what De Leon has been smoking, but that hasn’t been confirmed.
  • Ghost Bullets: Sacramento City Councilmember Sandy Sheedy revealed these mysterious bullets fired from unloaded guns. Ballistic tracing must be fun.
  • Heat-Seeking Bullets: Other than the fictional rounds in the Sellek movie Runaway, these exist only in Assemblywoman Patricia Eddington’s fevered incendiary imagination.
  • High Magazine Cartridges: “Ban ‘assault weapons,’ ban high magazine cartridges,” says Congresswoman Michelle Lujan-Grisham [D-NM01], and gubernatorial candidate, on 5/18/2018. I’m not even going to guess. Is it a magazine? A cartridge? Does it count if it’s drunk instead of high? Is there an exemption if it’s on Ritalin (i.e.- speed) for ADHD? Is Lujan-Grisham drunk or high?
  • Large-capacity ammunition cartridges: Invented by the Richmond, Virginia School Board. The closest thing to a “large capacity” cartridge we can think of is a shotgun shell, but this seems to have something to do with equally imaginary Virginia “assault weapons.” MSN may have identified these mysterious devices.
  • Multi-burst trigger activator: An imaginary device that causes a semiautomatic weapon to fire multiple bursts of rounds with a single trigger activation. Being imaginary, it does not exist. It is the result result of fevered dreams of ignorant Massachusetts politicians. They apply the term to trigger cranks (which allow a shooter to activate the trigger rapidly by turning a crank), “hellfire” adapters (an ineffective spring behind the trigger which is intended to return the trigger to firing position quickly), bump-fire stocks (which have nothing to do with the trigger or any other internal operating part of the firearm), and anything else that frightens them.
  • Massacre Machine Gun Magazine: Since Rep. Carolyn B. Maloney used this in the context of a school shooting in which no machinegun was used, we assume it has the same level of reality as heat-seeking and ghost bullets, possibly chambered in 30 caliber.
  • Rapid Fire Ammunition: Apparently eliminates any need for machineguns or bump-fire stocks. Patent pending by People for the American Way’s Elliot Mincberg. Still trying to find this ammo in stores.
  • Shoulder Thing That Goes Up: Former NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy introduced a bill to ban “assault weapons” based on cosmetic features. One feature she found particularly objectionable was the barrel shroud. A reporter asked her what is a barrel shroud; McCarthy cluelessly explained that it’s the shoulder thing that goes up.
  • Trigger Grip: Who the heck knows? But allegedly it makes it “easier to hold the gun at waist height”.
  • “Machine gun loophole”: An imaginary hole in the law; coined by Seattle City Attorney Pete Holmes who, lacking any knowledge of law or firearms, thinks bump-fire stocks are machineguns, yet somehow not covered by the NFA. (see bump-fire, machinegun)
  • Mass-Shooting Gun: “High-capacity magazine. Like I wrote. Like Ca has tried to outlaw.” – George Skelton, LA Times Apparently does not include California-compliant ARs, bolt-action rifles, revolvers, pistols, or pump-action shotguns.
  • Rapid-Fire Magazine: Invented by MENSA founder(/sarc) Debbie Wasserman Schultz, we suspect these are magazines for unicorns, written on the 2nd Reading Grade Level. No such firearms accessory exists.
  • Two-Hundred Round Pistol Magazine: Nope. Just… nope.

If you know of any I’ve missed, please send me a link, and I’ll be happy to add it.

 

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3 thoughts on “Imaginary Stuff”

  1. Hey, Bear, lay off Mensa. Those of us in the Mensa Gun SIG don’t appreciate…
    Aw, just kidding you back.

    Don’t tell De Leon that there are lots of firearms still around, manufactured before GCA-1968, which were never required to have serial numbers.
    And don’t ask me how I know.

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